Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Cave Capitalist Part III: Neanderthal Alliance

To: Two-Grunts & One-Cluck

Dear Mr. One-Cluck,

Thank you for your request to join the Neanderthal Alliance. We here in the superior side of the species have been following, with great amusement, your attempts at cave capital and public funding for your so-called "Wheel" and "Fire" projects. And while we are convinced that homo erectus (tee-hee, we still snort with great humor when we hear those words) is destined for the dirt pile of history, we cannot help but agree with our upright cousins that what you are pursuing is nothing short of an elaborate fantasy.

"Tools," indeed. "Spears," "Fishing Nets," scraping skins off of animals to "wear" during the coming of a great "long period of cold things." Clearly being an educated homo sapien, I can hardly even fathom how you take these fantasies and turn them into reality in your round head.

I can see why you've turned to the Neanderthal Alliance to fund your far-fetched ideas. You must recognize that we Neanderthals will win the Evolutionary War and will inherit this great world, and the giant turtle shell on which it rests. We were likely your last resort. It seems that with your most recent rantings, you've managed to anger your own council of elders – especially when you grunted accusingly that they "oppose not only research on tools and clothing manufacturing, but open dialog on its scientific basis and potential consequences. In a competitive, round earth, the denialist policies of the elders place us on a path to unilateral extinction."

Mr. One-Cluck, let me make this perfectly clear. We here at the Neanderthal Alliance believe in only one thing – and that is our immediate, short-term survival and hording of existing resources. That is what "technology" is all about. This alliance was created solely for that purpose. I would suggest that you and other Neander-pretenders and Neander-incompetents take your strangely unsquare faces and go back to your own people, where you can ponder these issues with your fellow cave-loggers, Ice-Age-arians and denizens of your moms' cave holes.

Our reason for existence is our own happiness, and "science" has nothing to do with it. The truth is written by those in power, and they have rarely been cave tinkerers, nonprofit cavemen or cave futurists.

Famed Neanderthal statesman Ug von Two-Clucks once noted that the two things no one should have to suffer through seeing made are laws and animals ground up into little tubes, as you and other homo erectuses (grunt-tee-hee-grunt) have suggested.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against you sapiens. Some of my best friends are …

Well, let me just grunt this. At one time I, too, chiseled markings on rock that predicted Neander-amputees would someday grow new limbs, but then I realized that this prospect frightens your average, voting Rock-Kicker Mom and Run-Far Dad, and does not aid in short-term enrichment of my tribe. Believe me. I'm an experienced cave relations specialist, and I believe in a "reality strategy." I don't promote nor spend much time worrying about made-up science stories about the coming "cold."

My suggestion to you, Mr. One-Cluck, is to join your brethren in gazing upon that strange black monolith near the rock quarry – and keep fighting the strange, if not good, fight for your lost cause.

Evolutionarily Yours,

Neanderthal Alliance

Related Grunts
Wheel bad
Fire bad